Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Crip (Blue) States

Dear Red States:
If you had managed to steal this election too, we were
going to leave.
We would have formed our own country, and taken the other
Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that now includes
California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Colorado, Minnesota,
Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, North Carolina, Florida (but who
really cares), and all the Northeast Blueblock. We believe this split
would have been beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people
of the new country of New California.
To sum up after the fact: Best of all, you get Oklahoma.
You also get all the slave states. We get stem-cell research, live
theater, excellent skiing, and the best beaches. We get the Statue
of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get
WorldCom. We
get Harvard and Swarthmore. You get Ole' Miss and the Aggies. We
get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get
Alabama and tobacco farms. We get the Central Valley, the Napa
Valley, and almost all seafood. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.
You get to make the Red States pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get
a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice
and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq
at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose,
and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources
in Bush's Quagmire.
We will also pay higher taxes. Actually, we love to pay
taxes, as it lets us buy civilization (see American Heritage
Dictionary). The burden won't be too great, however, as we'll also have
98% of out-of-the-closet gays, and most of them are talented and rich.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the
country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92%
of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you get
both Kentucky pinot and fried), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high-tech
industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Illinois and Iowa!), most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors,
all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Duke, MIT, Chicago,
Cal Tech, and Cal Berkeley. With the Red States, on the other hand, you
will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected
health care costs, though we'll still keep Wisconsin), 92% of U.S.
mosquitoes, most tornadoes, 90% of hurricanes, 99% of all Southern
Baptists and Mormons, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University,
Clemson, and the University of Arkansas.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite. Thank you. Regrettably,
you get Yellowstone. In exchange for tourist visas, we'll let
you import food.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah
was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing
the war, the death penalty, or gun laws, 44% say that
evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11,
and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher
morals then we lefties. We shall continue to cherish the First Amendment.
You can keep the Second.
By the way, in case you hadn't noticed, we get Obama and Biden You get
Bush and Cheney.
Finally, we're taking the kush, too. You can have that dirt weed they
grow in Mexico if you can get over the wall.

-Blue States

PS... Keep Steve Harvey's fuck-ass

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